A-Z of Emotional Abuse

Terminology used relating to narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy.Vocabulary you may come across on your journey of understanding 'what happened'; used by psychologists, therapists and victims. This list is just a brief overview of some useful terms for understanding the impact these relationships have on ourselves our families and our lives.

These types of relationships so hard to heal from.

The damage caused, puts you in to a state of confusion, you have no idea the abuse is taking place; and like Chinese water torture, it happens very very slowly and it turns you insane! During the relationship you tell everyone how amazing they are; so when it ends they don’t understand what happened either. They may ask you ‘what happened, you were so happy’ and you don’t know.


A-Z of Emotional Abuse

ABUSIVE CYCLES • The ongoing rotation of destructive behaviour used to gain power and control over a person. The cycle of abuse IDEALISATION • DEVALUATION • DISCARD

BAITING • A technique used to gain an emotional response from a person, usually in the form of an angry, aggressive or emotional reaction.

BELITTLING • Masked Nastiness, a put-down usually masked by fake friendliness, advice, or words of “wisdom”. This message is designed to make the attacker feel better about themselves.

BLAME SHIFTING • Never taking responsibility for their actions or the role they played. This is done by playing the VICTIM, minimising others feelings, CIRCULAR CONVERSATIONS, guilt tripping and pity stories.

CIRCULAR CONVERSATIONS • Arguments which go on endlessly, you believe you have a resolution but they are resurrected again repeating the same pattern.

CLOSURE • Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, non-judgmental communication that helps with letting go. Being denied CLOSURE when you’re breaking up, is unhealthy: it’s damaging, destructive and controlling.

CODEPENDENCY • A relationship in which an otherwise mentally-healthy person is controlled or manipulated by another. Manufactured actions intended to create desire, jealousy, dependence, addiction, and anxiety.

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE • COGNITIVE DISSONANCE occurs, when we experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs at the same time. In a relationship, this can be the belief that their partner loves them, they are being told they are loved, but experience conflict when the behaviour isn't mirroring the words. This form of abuse penetrates so many levels, your brain has been tricked to believe what you were told was the truth, it takes time to de-traumatise.

COMPLEX POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (C-PTSD) • C-PTSD is a psychological injury, resulting from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event. Reliving the traumatic experience can include having nightmares or emotional flashbacks, avoiding certain situations, feeling constantly on-alert, a feeling of looking over your shoulder, jittery or being startled easily.

CRAZY EX • They talk about their exes far more than a healthy individual should in a new relationship. During the IDEALISATION stage they tell you that you are the only person who has fully understood them, you are Soul Mates. Once they secure you they tell you the stories about their CRAZY EX. They might have been subjected to bipolar or CRAZY MAKING behaviour during and after the relationship. They may tell stories of their ex being bitter, jealous or still in love with them, this maybe true. However it is not normal for someone to have attracted so many CRAZY relationships and with them being the common thread is it possible they are reason for the craziness?

CRAZY MAKING • (also see cognitive dissonance) CRAZY MAKING in relationships is a dynamic used to question yourself and leave you full of self doubt, wondering if you might be going crazy. It is a form of EMOTIONAL ABUSE involving mind games. It erodes your confidence, slowly allowing the other person to gain more power and control over you and the relationship. You may question your sanity and find yourself becoming more emotional, needy or dependent on the other person.

DEVALUATION • During the IDEALISATION stage you were swept off your feet with the LOVE BOMBING. During the DEVALUATION stage, they check you are more interested in protecting the relationship than you are in protecting yourself and they do this by making comments about your intelligence or your abilities and perhaps your dreams. If you question this, you are perhaps over sensitive, or they were only joking! And these subtle put downs, followed by some IDEALISATION, change the chemical reaction in the brain. You find yourself addicted and you override your INTUITION the need for the drug of IDEALISATION.

DETECTIVE • You become your own private investigator. Their mask is slipping and because you are no longer the good supply of attention they become careless. Your INTUITION is kicking in. Their words and actions are not matching up. You know something isn’t right - but you don’t know what it is. Have you ever done this before? Probably not! Your INTUITION is showing you it hasn't abandoned you. Normally you are a trusting and rational person, but something inside clicks and you become a super sleuth. Looking for evidence to validate the feelings rather than trusting your Gut and walking away.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE • A pattern of behaviour directed at one individual by another that results in an imbalance of power. Unlike physical abuse it goes unnoticed. The damage caused, puts you in to a state of confusion, unlike physical abuse, you have no idea it is taking place; and like Chinese water torture, it happens very slowly and turning you CRAZY, chipping away at your self-esteem and you begin to doubt your perceptions and reality.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE • The ability to recognise and regulate one's own emotions and to demonstrate empathy and understanding of how others around them feel.

EMPATH • An EMPATH intuitively has the ability to sense the emotions of others, being sensitive to the visible as well as the invisible, intuitively picking up on body language and tone of voice. They are able to emotionally understand what is is being said as well as what is not being said.

ENABLER • A person who attempts to pacify another by sacrificing their own or others needs in an attempt to keep the peace. Also known as fawning.

FLYING MONKEYS • Also known as: the Entourage or Accomplices. ENABLERS are the extension of the NARCISSIST, SOCIOPATH or PSYCHOPATH, and also act as their campaign managers. FLYING MONKEYS make them feel important and special.

FUTURE FAKING • The future you created together is manufactured during the IDEALISATION stage when they listened to your every word and watched your every move, possibly stalking your Facebook or twitter. Nothing about the FUTURE will be real, but the stories around it will be so believable. Just enough of your dreams for the future are intertwined for you to believe they are as invested in the relationship as you are, but most get completely forgotten. Or as they are all thieves they may steal your dreams for their own.

GASLIGHTING • A covert way of distorting another person's perception of reality; questioning their sanity and their memory. This is CRAZY-MAKING, it makes you think that you're actually going CRAY CRAY (craziness at a whole different level). You can't trust yourself or your perceptions of reality.You start to believe the abusers version of events and slowly they begin to take over your life. GASLIGHTING is used make you feel something is wrong with you; perhaps to make you feel you're mentally unstable, that you're overreacting, you're hypersensitive or maybe you are bipolar. Gaslighting is really dangerous, creating the feelings of: Insecurity • Confusion • Brain Fog • Self-doubt • Fear • Not Good Enough • Feeling Vulnerable • Powerless.