Getting Closure

Closure following the breakdown of a relationship involves honest, healthy, non-judgmental communication that helps with letting go.

These types of relationships so hard to heal from.

The damage caused, puts you in to a state of confusion, you had no idea the abuse was taking place; and like Chinese water torture, it happened very slowly and it turned you insane!

During the relationship you told everyone how amazing they were; so when it ended they are confused and well.

They may ask you ‘what happened, you were so happy’ and you don’t know.

When relationships end they can be painful, particularly if one person didn’t realise there were problems. In normal relationships if can cause hurt and confusion.

But this wasn’t a normal relationship.

Being denied CLOSURE when you’re breaking up, is unhealthy: it’s damaging, destructive and controlling.

There is that word again… CONTROLLING!


These two seem to run hand in hand…


Relationships breakdown for so many different reasons.

It could be you drifted apart, or what you found attractive in someone at the beginning of the relationship you no longer do. It could be that work has made it difficult due to hours or distance.

Perhaps your feelings have changed and you may still like them, but you are not in love with them. At the beginning of a relationship we get healthy doses of Oxytocin making us feel loved, this is what helps us create a bond with another person. Once the initial honeymoon period is over you settle in to a relationship and you realise you aren’t as compatible as you first thought you were.

Healthy people are able to acknowledge that it isn’t working and why. It might be painful but closure for both parties is helpful in moving on.

But this relationship was different.

The ending of this relationship is very painful.

They created a strong bond with you during the repeated Love Bombing and when it no longer suits them they walk away.

The bond is so strong and the withdrawal so painful, that you look for ways of getting the relationship back, and to where you where at the beginning of the relationship. Where it was safe and you felt loved and valued. On average a person goes back 7-8 times before the final discard or they have had enough and walk away.

You may go into a cycle of ‘what if’ and 'if only’… Trying to understand where you went wrong, replaying situations and conversations if you had done something differently or said something else it would have ended?.

In an attempt to understand you may still in contact with them, you maybe trying to get back to that place where you believed you were both happy, offering to do anything or put up with anything.

The truth is, the pain of being out of the relationship hurts more, than the pain you were suffering in it. You have a gaping hole in your Soul that nothing will fill…

You need answers to gain closure!

…And sadly you won’t get that from them.

There are a few reasons for this; they are the victim, your behaviour has caused the breakup of the relationship. They are getting attention from their friends, family, work colleagues, person next to them on the bus or train, why would they give that up? You are supplying them with attention, they don’t care if it is negative or positive, it’s attention! All the time you are in pain, confused and asking questions, the focus is on them.

Another reason you won’t get closure from them is because they have no empathy, they can’t put themselves in your shoes or even attempt to understand the pain you are in. They do get hurt, but they react with rage.

Also they enjoy knowing that they have caused this pain, it proves to themselves how powerful they are and the amount of control they still have over you.

Giving you closure would not serve them in any way.

They would be giving up the attention they claim they don’t want from you, and they would be handing you, back the power