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All the questions... 'if only' and 'maybe'

All those questions…

Unless you are a survivor of emotional abuse, you will have no idea what it is like to fight daily battles in your head with a person you are no longer in contact with.

The constant conversations you have in your head and the questions you keep asking yourself...

If only and maybe…

ABUSIVE CYCLES • The ongoing rotation of destructive behaviour used to gain POWER and CONTROL over a person. The cycle of abuse IDEALISATION • DEVALUATION • DISCARD. I believe understanding is the first stepping stone to taking back the POWER and CONTROL of your life and the first step to healing from the damage that has been caused.

If only and maybe…

Your self-esteem has been shattered into a thousand pieces.

Listen to the words you are saying, what age are you talking from?

This is so painful.

Your self-esteem has been shattered in to a 1000 pieces.

Listen to the words you are saying, what age are you talking from?

During the Cycle of Abuse, you were put on a pedestal, told you how amazing you are.

They then need to secure you in the relationship, so they say little things to test how far they can push you. If you are not quite ready, you may question what they are saying, and they may say 'oh I was only joking' or 'your'e so sensitive'.

And during the devaluation stage, everything they told you they valued you for they now use these against you.

They confused you with the GAS LIGHTING, changing your reality and giving you brain fog. You start to question everything.

And now it's over! You are trying to understand what happened; and perhaps you are so desperate to get back to where you felt safe and secure in the relationship - the beginning, during the Love Bombing stage.

You may find yourself replaying in your head each event and conversation believing if you had only said or done something differently you wouldn't be here and that you would be together. But the harsh truth is, you would be! Maybe not today or tomorrow but it was always going to happen.

You are no longer fit for purpose.

When you first met they needed something you had, so they put on a mask and played a character and you fell for their charm.

Whatever it was they needed from you they have now got; draining you of a lot more, and you are now lost and left in a swirl of confusion, not understanding what happened.

Just like Voldemort (Harry Potter reference), they needed something from you.

"I was ripped from his body, less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost... but still I was alive" Lord Voldemort.

And with each book (or film) he gained more and more strength. He fed of people, used their bodies and energy to increase his...

I've used the Dementors before to describe how your soul has been sucked out of you...

If you are honest with yourself, nothing would be different, this was always going to happen.

This was a game and you didn't have the rules...

The reality is, you were always going to be here, you needed to be here.

And I know you don’t want to believe it, I didn’t.

I will be really honest with you, there are still moments I hear something or I am in a situation and think ‘Oh My God They Were Right’ and then I get an internal nudge saying ‘get over yourself no they weren’t, they tricked you into believing they were’.

All I can say is thank god that passed!

You have been broken open to allow the light to shine in!

This wasn't your choice, who would choose to go through the pain?

But you can use this experience to heal these wounds.

How did I allow this to happen? A question I asked myself a lot…

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