10 ways to regain your power
The hurt and the damage an Emotional Abuser is unique and they walk away completely oblivious of the damage they cause.
...or are they?
They know exactly what they are doing and they also get enjoyment out of knowing what pain they have caused for them just thinking about you and how you are reacting gives them supply.
You were their project, you thought it was the other way round, they had convinced you during the relationship that they needed you and they needed your help. You were the only one who understood them, they had never met anyone like you before. You were unique.
Emotional Abusers might make up a small percentage of the population but they cause untold damage.
They might be at work or they might be a family member and you find it difficult not to stay away from them.
You might be exhausted after spending just a few moments in their company.
I have written this for people out of the relationship trying to understand but the techniques will work in many different situations to regain your power.
So here are 10 things you can do to regain your power.
No. 1 is Grounding.
Being grounded to the earth or in your body helps you rationalise situations and control your emotions and your monkey brain.
If you don't read any further and stop here that is fine because Grounding is going to help you so much.
There is a reason that manufacturers ground appliances and that is to protect you from getting a shock. You are able to do this yourself. You have already had a shock. You now need to recover from the surge of power coursing through your veins. It isn't actually electricity powering you up it is stress hormones, your fight-flight, fawn-freeze triggers that want to protect you.
Hopefully, the trigger is now out of your life and you are implementing No 2. no contact.
Grounding will enable you to calm your body down and think clearly.
It helps you get out of your head when you are ruminating about the relationship or about a conversation or situation. It allows you to become present in your body and from your body you can listen to how you feel. You can calm your mind which is triggering off the stress hormones, believing you are under attack, and you can quieten the monkey chatter.
Breathe in a long deep breath, follow it through your body, feel it travel through your lungs down through your torso and stop just between the hip bones - just below your navel. This is the Tanden, in martial arts they use this energy center before a fight or competition. They take their breath down to this point filling it up. In Reiki, we use the same point.
And by focusing on your breath you calm the mind down, you can think clearer, you can look at the trigger or the flashback differently. You calm the thoughts berating you. Telling you this was all your fault. Telling you what you did wrong, telling you that if you had only said this to them, you wouldn't be in this situation and reminding you that it was your behaviour and if you had only done that for them you would still be together.
2. Going No Contact.
This is greatly underestimated in the healing process. It is so important to not be contactable. They have damaged you, why would you want them in contact with you? This is the trauma bond that was created, that was used to make you dependant on them for everything. They maneuvered themselves into your life and gradually took over your thoughts and actions and you believed you were not able to function without them. Their thoughts became yours and you believe they need you and you respond. They play the victim, create fictitious reasons to still be in contact with you and it works for them but it doesn't work for you. They keep you trapped. They reach out to you. They need you, or that is what they lead you to believe. The only thing they need you for is for attention, a bit of supply. You are a lower grade now but they still get something from you so they happily keep you on a bit of string reeling you in when they are bored.
Going no contact helps your mind and your body relax and start to release the hormones from your body.
They are Pavlov and you are one of Pavlov's dogs, they taught you how to respond to them and their needs, the bell is your phone and soon as you hear it you respond to them.
Give the Trauma Bond a name, or see it as your inner child and ask it what it needs. You feel an emotion, what does that child need? Is it needing some attention? Then give it the attention it needs, don't be reliant on the Emotional Abuser, break those chains that are keeping you trapped.
If you aren't able to go no contact then 'grey rock' will help you break from your need for their attention. Learn the art of answering with a yes or no, don't be drawn into a conversation with them, and only rely on yourself for your emotional needs to be met.
I know this isn't easy, but once you start noticing the patterns of their behaviour it will feel so empowering.
3. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve.
Don't put a time limit on your healing. You were tricked and manipulated, as part of that you were creating a future with this person, this was part of their game, they told you everything they thought you wanted to hear and they did this to hook you in. And it keeps you trapped, trying to understand what happened, what you did wrong, and how you can get back to that place of being the center of their world, the place you feel is rightfully yours. You invested so much of yourself and you supported them in so many ways, you did everything they required of you. You are grieving the loss of the relationship and the loss of the future you had planned together.
And don't underestimate the time it takes, you might still be struggling with the false persona they presented, believing they would never do that to you. You need to untangle from them on every level.